January 1, 2012

So here's to 2012 ~ The end of 2011 was okay.  Had a kick ass night with my husband and daughter.  Simple little finger foods - pigs in blankets, bbq chicken bites, cheese/crackers and chips and dip.  Marissa and I watched the Rockin New Year's Eve bash on t.v. for 3 hours together.  It was overall a good night.  I had to take a nap earlier because I was exhausted from cleaning earlier.  Not to much to complain about with the exception of Mike promising to come upstairs to watch the ball drop with us and he never made it.  He was yet again sleeping.  I try not to complain but is it really too much to ask for a husband to be there for you and a father to want to spend time with his kids?????? I think not.  Tired, gonna play a few games online then hit the sheets ~

Paula Cole-Where have all the cowboys gone

Sinéad O'Connor - Nothing Compares 2U

Day 1

So the rest of my day was okay, actually it was pretty damn good in the standard of the world of depression.  I ate three meals today, managed to actually get dressed and have a lovely dinner with my husband at Longhorn's.  Funny we were sitting there, engrossed in our conversation eating our appetizer when the waitress approaches and says, how sorry she is, she completely forgot to put our dinner into the computer and they are just now starting this.  This then involves the manager Dee, who comes over apologizes profusely and offers to not only comp our meal but pay for any drinks, desserts or whatever we wanted.  Was a great dinner, and it had only been like 20 minutes that we were waiting....such a gracious manager, when our dinner did arrive the owner himself delivered it and again apologized.  I love an establishment that takes such pride in customer service as they do.  I had a fabulous bacon and white cheddar stuffed filet, if you haven't tried it, you must, it's delicious!  Mike had a prime rib with double mashed, he has such a simple palate and very rarely will stray from his simple meat and potatoes meal.  We even managed to run around Walmart for a bit after dinner to pick up things for tomorrow night New Year's Eve.  Just gonna do a simple snack night for us, kids are out.  Should be a good time, provided I can find the energy to actually cook the food we have purchased.  Planning on cleaning the house tomorrow ~ I'll let you know how that goes, hopefully it's a success.  Well I've had enough of this day, so I'll see ya tomorrow.  Much love, peace and happiness

Another Day in Depression

Okay so I'm a married mother of two human kids and two fur babies.  I've been married for almost 15 years and my marriage like most has had it's ups and downs.  My husband is a wonderful man, a man like no other, he has stood by my side through thick and thin.  He is my hero.  I have a 5 month old Akita named Dakota, a 19 month old American Bulldog named Dante, a 12 year old name Joseph and a 16 year old named Marissa.  Being a mom has always been a dream of mine and I'm so blessed that is has been a goal I was able to attain.  I wasn't always so sure that I would be able to be a mom, I was diagnosed with endometriosis at an early age and I had a few miscarriages, but was finally able to have two healthy kids before I had a complete hysterectomy at the age of 28 years old.  From the outside my life seems like it's fool proof that everything's okay but from where I sit, on the inside, this couldn't be further from the truth.  I am a recovering drug addict and have been clean for 17 years, not an easy feat if any of you have ever struggled with addiction.  I have PTSD, anxiety, depression and back/neck pain from a car accident.  I'm going to see if thru my blogging, I can begin to perhaps heal myself from some of my emotional stress.  So with that being said, Welcome to my world and I hope you'll keep reading.  I welcome comments, feedback, advice, etc.  So here goes nothing.....

Day 1 ~

Today I have accomplished what appears to everyone as a everyday normal goal.  I showered and brushed my hair.  I haven't if I'm being honest haven't showered in almost two weeks, no motivation and got to the point where I couldn't stand my own stink.  It was gross, completely gross, but I ended that today.  It took me nearly an hour to brush all the knots from my hair with a comb and detangler.  Again it was gross, must remind myself to wash my hair again to ensure it's clean.  I changed my pajamas.  It feels good to be clean and refreshed.  My depression is really at it's peak at this time of the year and although I take Paxil, it doesn't seem to be working quite as well as it use to.  But due to my fear of change, I will muttle through and hope that this new found hobby of blogging will help.  I ate today, once so far which again is a huge accomplishment.  All in all today is a better day than yesterday.  And just so we are clear and I mean crystal clear.... I am a clean person, my house is clean, I'm not a hoarder, my dogs don't use the bathroom inside, my kids have rules, my floors get washed....so far my depression only affects my ability to take care of me.  We all have our skeletons, and here is mine.